As I lay in bed last night contemplating another holiday season without a child of my own, I drifted to sleep. Before I awoke, I had a vivid dream in which I had several conversations with people who are pregnant in real life.
Upon meeting each one, I began to feel 'less than'... I began to believe that my identity was summed up in one phrase...'not a mom'. In the dream, I did what I often do in real life, I found a computer and began typing. The words 'Not a Mom' is Not Your Identity' is all I typed before I awoke. These powerful words, manifested in my subconscious, are worth bringing into the real world. For you, the sentence may look different: '_________ is not your identity.' Fill the blank in for yourself as you continue to read.
According to the American Psychological Association, identity is defined as "an individual’s sense of self— defined by a set of physical, psychological, and interpersonal characteristics that is not wholly shared with any other person" (APA Dictionary, 2020).
Using this definition, it's clear to see how anything you find of extreme importance could become your identity. When interwoven into the definition of 'identity', it is plain to see how easy it would be to allow the word you filled into the blank to become your identity. However, I am going to challenge you to build your identity around something else.
I know personally that this is not an easy task because I was recently challenged to do the same. During a conversation, I was counseled with some truth that was hard to hear. I was told that as long as having a baby was the most important thing in my life, it would affect every part of my life. I'll admit, my first thought was this: "Aren't your children the most important part of your life?" Thankfully, I didn't say this out loud. Instead, I allowed this gut reaction to dissipate as the truth of the statement took over the initial reaction I had to it. As I have reflected on this, here is what I have realized about my identity physically, psychologically, and interpersonally.
Physically
Perhaps a physical disability or illness has become your identity. Rather than focusing on what our bodies cannot do, it is important to focus on what they can do. When you sit back and think about it, the human body is amazing. Simply taking a step is a multifunctional process that incorporates all body systems in a complex series of events that occur the moment it is thought about. While this is quite awe-inspiring to think about, it is also important to consider the unique physical characteristics that make you who you are:
I have feet that have danced on stages and run through fields.
I have legs that have carried me through unique and beautiful places.
I have hands that have written countless words and created beautiful music.
I have arms that have cared for others and helped those in need.
I have eyes that have seen God's beautiful creation around the world.
I have a voice that has taught the next generation and sung songs of praise.
These physical attributes make me unique. We may physical limitations. However, that is not all we are, and t most certainly is not the most important part of our physical identity.
Psychologically
There are many ways that false or unattainable identities affect us psychologically. They cause us to experience heightened levels of anxiety, stress, and sadness. Sometimes, I allow myself to stay in these states for too long, but my true psychological identity lies in what makes me unique.
I am curious. I want to know everything about everything.
I am driven. I have an insatiable desire to learn more, do more, and be more.
I am compassionate. I feel things deeply and long to lessen the pain of others.
I am resilient. Through God's grace, I weather adversity and fight when needed.
I am creative. I desire to bring beauty to the world through sights, songs, and words.
I am these things and more. God has given me positive and unique traits that help form my unique psychological identity. It is important for each of us to identify these traits and allow them to guide our true identity.
Interpersonally
It is very easy to allow self-imposed identities to affect interpersonal relationships immensely. When we are unsure of our identities and allow this to hold us back from our true potential, it also holds us back from making the interpersonal connections we were designed for. God has designed us to be in communion with others, not to be alone. Through fellowship with others, we can develop our true identity. Here is what He has to say to us about relationships:
Genesis 2: 18- Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”
Proverbs 17:17- A friend loves at all times
Proverbs 27:17- Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.
Ecclesiastes 4: 9-10- Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!
I Thessalonians 5:11- Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.
Isolation is the enemy. So take small steps to foster healthy relationships. Start by fostering your relationship with your creator. As this relationship grows, you will figure out how to foster others in a healthy way that better defines your identity.
Finding your Identity
Finding your identity outside of your blank ('_______') does not mean that you separate from this aspect of who you are. In fact, it can contribute to your identity in positive ways.
Physically, you are strong. Perhaps you have faced physical adversity, but you can make it through. Maybe you are healthy. Use the health that God has blessed you with to foster who you truly are.
Psychologically, you can be well-rounded. You have felt feelings and contemplated desires deeply. Maybe you fall apart, but you can let God put you back together. Grow your mental strength with God's help, and let Him speak into what is true about you. Remember, your thoughts aren't always true, but He is.
Interpersonally, you can determine who your true friends are and who you can lean on in times of need, but only if you come out of isolation and commune. These relationships can be live-giving as humans are designed to be in fellowship with others. Find your tribe.
Who God Says You Are
I encourage you to find your identity outside of whatever it is that is holding you back. Ask God who He designed you to be, what His purpose is for you, and how to embrace your true identity. Here is who He says you are:
You are made in his Image: So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. (Gen. 1:27)
You are known by your creator: Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart. (Jer. 1:5)
You are chosen: But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. (1 Pet. 2:9)
You were bought with Christ's sacrifice: You were bought at a price. (1 Cor. 6:20a)
If you are a believer, you are part of something bigger than yourself: Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it. (1. Cor. 12:27)
You are Loved: See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! (1 John 3:1)
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