As I reflect over the last few years, I can say with certainty that I have learned more and grown more than at any other time in my life.
During this time, God has given me the strength to make intentional choices that have changed my life. As I write this post, I am choosing not to grieve what hasn't happened over the past few years. Instead, I am looking back on them with fondness because of the choices I was able to make with God's help and the growth they have brought.
Choosing to Use Your Voice
I'll be honest here... I talk a lot. I always have something to say, and I can make conversation with anyone. Talking one-on-one or in public has never been a struggle for me, but it wasn't until the past few years that I realized talking is not the same thing as using your voice.
For me, talking to others has always been about withholding. Talking has meant presenting specific information only, making others comfortable, and avoiding conflict. Talking in this manner never leaves you vulnerable, but it also never confronts problems or enacts change. While there is a time to withhold words for the good of others, continual silence surrounding important topics can be toxic. Using your voice involves learning when not to withhold. Sometimes, using your voice is uncomfortable, but through this discomfort, change can come.
Another way I am choosing to use my voice is by loving myself and others well through practicing truth and positivity. I heard a wise person once say, " Don't just listen to yourself, preach the truth to yourself". When we talk to ourselves it is important to use Philippians 4:8 as the filter through which we choose our words. We should tell ourselves and others things that are true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, and worthy of praise. This filter does not exclude hard things. It does not exclude talking about areas of growth, but it does exclude untruths. Using this filter allows our voice to be honorable to ourselves, to others, and to God.
Using your voice well also means asking for help when you need it. Over the last few years, I have learned how to talk about emotional and mental distress in order to move toward healing. I have learned how to ask for help when I need it. I have learned to address uncomfortable topics with others in order to grow in mental health and deepen relationships. I have learned how using your voice, even when it's hard, allows you to let go and move forward. I encourage you to consider these last thoughts when choosing how to use your voice:
Psalm 141:3- Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!
Proverbs 31:9- Open your mouth, judge righteously, defend the rights of the poor and needy.
Ephesians 4:29- Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
Colossians 3:17- And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
Colossians 4:6- Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.'
Choosing New Thoughts
Last year, I read a book by Craig Groeschel titled, "Winning the War in Your Mind: Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life." The title itself provides insight into the central message of the book and is further illuminated by this quote: "Our lives are always moving in the direction of our strongest thoughts. What we think shapes who we are." This powerful statement illustrates just how important thoughts are.
Letting go of negative thoughts has been a struggle for me. My mind holds on to them tightly, and sometimes, it feels impossible to let go. When voicing this struggle recently, I said, "I know the truth, but how do I make my mind believe it?" A wise person told me that "belief is a choice". These four words haven't left me since. Belief isn't just something that passively happens. You choose what you believe, and you can choose to change your beliefs.
"Don’t give up. Keep moving forward. Write it, think it, confess it until you believe it. You are rewiring your brain. God is renewing your mind. Then one day something will click. You will be fluent in truth. Automaticity. You will have changed your thinking, and it will change your life." -Craig Groeschel
Choosing Integrity
As I explain my growth in various areas of life, it kind of sounds like I have it all figured out, doesn't it? I could leave you with that impression, but I choose not to. I choose to let you into my brokenness. There are portions of my life marred by choices I made without integrity. In a world where society expects you to present your life as perfect, it is hard to accept your own imperfection, but over the past year, I have chosen integrity over painting an unrealistic picture of life.
According to Webster's Dictionary, integrity is "moral soundness; honesty; freedom from corrupting influence or motive." The dictionary additionally defines integrity as "The state of being entire or complete; wholeness; an unbroken state." In my own human brokenness, I could never attain this definition of integrity. However, through learning and clinging to God's truth over the last few years, I have discovered that I can be whole, unbroken, and complete. I can choose to live in integrity... through Him alone.
Choosing Christ
If you asked, I would probably say that I have been a 'Christian' my whole life. I knew the verses and the doctrine. I had an idea of who God was, but I couldn't understand what He had done for me until I understood my brokenness.
I prayed a prayer of salvation when I was 5. I saw others around me accept salvation and wanted the joy I saw in them. It wasn't God I was pursuing, it was happiness. I prayed again when I was 12. I was afraid of going to Hell. Again, it wasn't God I was pursuing, it was a ticket to Heaven steeped in self-perseverance. These superficial desires did not change my heart, and they did not change my life.
I can't say for certain the exact moment when my heart realized I needed God in His wholeness, but I can say for certain that it was after I realized how broken I was. I stopped running from my mistakes. I let them flood over me. I let myself feel the pain attached to them. Then, I ran to God for who He truly is. I recently read a book by Dane Ortlund titled "Gentle and Lowly" which explains this better than I ever could…
"It is the most counterintuitive aspect of Christianity, that we are declared right with God not once we begin to get our act together but once we collapse into honest acknowledgment that we never will."
Over the past few years, I choose to pursue God in his wholeness rather than use Him as a way to ease my conscience. I chose to let him begin the process of healing in me, rather than trying to heal myself. Choosing Christ wholly means accepting that you are not hopelessly broken. Through Him, your broken pieces can be made into something unbroken and altogether new.
You Have a Choice
In all aspects of your life, you have a choice. There are some choices that you cannot control. I cannot choose what others do or how they respond to me. However, I can choose to speak up, use my voice well, change my thoughts, live a life of integrity, pursue a relationship with God, and so much more. I can choose to embrace the choices I have, and strive to make the right ones. Will you do the same?
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