If you have been following along with Embracing Emily, you have probably noticed that I have not written a new post in a while.
The purpose of this blog is to write openly about my life in a way that is honest, real, raw, vulnerable, and empowering, with the hope that my story may help others. The truth is, for quite a while now, I have not been ready to fully embrace the season of life I am in, and until I could, I wasn't able to write openly about it. However, I was recently reminded that sorrow, tribulation, and trials are part of life. Jesus told us they would be. So today, I am choosing to embrace those parts of my life and begin a new series of posts.
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
The Day I Died
Today is an anniversary of sorts, and it is on this day that I am finally able to say that I have learned how to embrace a life I never saw coming. Today is the anniversary of the day I died.
On December 9th, 2022, I sat at home alone. I had been alone for a week, because on December 2nd, 2022, my husband packed his belongings, walked out the door, and never returned home. I had been abandoned by the man that I thought would love and protect me for the rest of my life. It was a Friday night, and I was supposed to be attending my company Christmas dinner with him as my plus one. I couldn't handle going alone, so I made a decision that altered the course of my life. I poured a drink from a bottle of alcohol that I had purchased a few days before.
I took several sips, and quickly knew something was terribly wrong. I don't remember calling 911, but I thank God that I did. I wouldn't be here today if not. I don't remember the next 20 hours, but this is what my medical record says...
December 9th, 2022
"31-year-old female was brought to the emergency department via EMS after being found unresponsive and covered in vomit. I was present when the patient was brought in by EMS. She was significantly encephalopathic/ delirious, frequently screaming “help me” and was not consistently following commands, then unresponsive. She was significantly tachycardic on telemetry monitoring. Due to the inability to protect airway (major respiratory failure) and unresponsive status, she was emergently and appropriately intubated by ER provider. (Full Code Blue)"
Diagnoses
1. Acute respiratory failure
2. Severe sepsis: Meets SIRS criteria with tachycardia and tachypnea. Meets sepsis criteria with possible aspiration. Meets severe sepsis criteria with end-organ dysfunction of toxic/metabolic encephalopathy and respiratory failure and elevated lactic acid level.
3. Tachycardia: suspect related to toxin ingestion
4. Lactic Acidosis
5. Aspiration of vomit
6. Acute alcohol poisoning
7. Toxic encephalopathy: Expected toxin ingestion- possibly ethylene glycol or methanol
8. Acute metabolic encephalopathy
9. Aspiration Pnuemonia
Admit to Critical Care Unit.
Long Story Short
I had been poisoned with an unknown toxin, and it must have been in the alcohol. With less than one drink, I had end-stage liver failure, acute respiratory failure, a toxic brain injury, sepsis, and a plethora of other deadly symptoms. I stopped breathing, I became unresponsive, and I had to be put on a ventilator to breathe for me. Despite all of the tests that were run, I will never know exactly what I ingested.
I remained on the ventilator for 20 hours and then began to breathe on my own. I spent several days in the ICU and several more in a regular hospital room. I did slowly get better and was discharged home. In one week, I had been abandoned, was poisoned, nearly died, had sustained a toxic brain injury that would take months to recover from, and this was only the beginning of the hardest year of my life.
My New Life
I write this story today to remind myself of how far I have come in one year, by God's grace alone. I also write it as a starting point for my next set of posts. The last year was a year I never envisioned my life containing. I never thought I would spend this year alone. I never imagined opening my mailbox to divorce papers I never wanted. I didn't think I would be starting life over at 32. But in some ways, the day I died was also the day my new life began. It has been full of heartache and pain, but it has also been full of grace, spiritual growth, introspection, learning, healing, love, support, and strength.
When I started this blog, I chose to openly embrace all of life, not just snapshots like a curated social media profile meant to show perfection. I chose to embrace it all so that there would be at least one honest voice telling you that you are not the only one whose life isn't perfect. You don't have to hide the imperfections. You don't have to spend your precious time creating an image to make others see you as something other than who you are. So over the next few weeks and months, I will once again share my story in the hopes that it will help at least one person feel less alone, feel as though they can stop hiding, and feel empowered to embrace all parts of life.
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." (1 Cor. 4: 3-4)
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